Last week, Psyche Magazine released an article titled “Why do so many of us blame ourselves after a loved one’s death?”

The TLDR…

Delaney Rebernik's deep grief and self-blame after her father's sudden death from a fall due to excessive drinking. She faced intense guilt and despite knowing her actions might not have changed the outcome. Delaney finds solace by reconciling her guilt with love for her father, embracing both pain and love in her grief.

You can read the entire article here.

Spoiler alert, blaming yourself after the death of a loved one is a common response.

Why?

→ Interpersonal Nature of Guilt: Guilt is an emotion tied to grief, reflecting the mourner's connection to the deceased. It often appears as self-blame, with individuals thinking about how they could have prevented the death. This is common in 'bad' deaths involving violence or suffering, unlike peaceful 'good' deaths.

→ Desire for Control: People often blame themselves to regain a sense of control in chaos. The death of a loved one can make them feel helpless, and self-blame can offer a sense of order by implying they could have changed the outcome.

→ Coping Mechanism: Self-blame can sometimes serve as a coping mechanism. It allows individuals to feel like they have some control over the situation, even if it is through negative means. This can help manage the overwhelming emotions associated with loss.

→ Cultural and Personal Expectations: Guilt may arise from unmet cultural or personal expectations about their actions for the deceased, leading to regret and self-blame.

→ Continuing Bonds: For some, self-blame can be a way to maintain a connection with the deceased. Guilt can serve as a reminder of the relationship and keep the memory of the loved one alive.

What can you do about it?

To stop blaming yourself for events that happened before your loved one's death, consider these strategies:

→ Seek Professional Help: Therapy with a grief specialist can support you in processing guilt and self-blame, helping you understand the death was beyond your control and guiding you toward healing.

→ Practice Self-Forgiveness: Forgive yourself. Understand you did your best with the knowledge and resources you had, and you're not responsible for others' actions.

→ Understand the Situation: Learn about the factors leading to your loved one's death. Recognize that issues like addiction or mental health are complex and need professional help, not just personal relationships.

→ Challenge Negative Thoughts: When feelings of guilt and self-blame arise, challenge them by focusing on positive memories and the good aspects of your relationship with the deceased. This can help shift your mindset from blame to appreciation.

→ Engage in Healthy Self-Talk: Replace self-critical thoughts with compassionate and supportive self-talk. Remind yourself that it is normal to have these feelings but that they do not define your worth or the entirety of your relationship with your loved one.

→ Create a Continuing Bond: Instead of focusing on guilt, find ways to honor your loved one's memory that bring you peace and joy. This could include creating a memorial, engaging in activities they enjoyed, or supporting causes they cared about.

Release self-blame. Find peace after your loss

If you are struggling, please reach out. I respond to every email. You are not alone in this journey.

Much love, namaste.

Happy Friday y’all. Have a beautiful weekend.

Until next time,

KIERSTEN THOMPSON
Afterlife Midwife | Grieving Souls Club
grievingsouls.club